Killing Two Bad Starts With One Stone

If it wasn’t painful before, we didn’t just get a horrific Kenny Rogers outing or a Nate Robertson outing in this 13-3 loss to the Cheesy Royales.

We got … BOTH.

K-Rodge: Six innings, six runs, eight hits, two walks, three dingers. Oddly enough, of all the bad pitches he threw, none of them were this one.

AND THEN!

Louis Skolnick: Six runs, six hits, two walks … four outs.

If they could have scientifically found a way for Fernando Rodney to blow a save as well, it would have been the entire second half magically compressed in one easy-to-swallow-but-gives-you-the-runs 9-inning baseball game. Then we could just end the 2008 season, trade Edgar Renteria for 10 Reuben sandwiches and work exclusively on Detroit Lions jokes. Er, uh, I mean … sure, Drew Henson can help the team!

The saving comic grace of the night, though, is brought to you by the Detroit Free Press. Spot the irony, win a Mal-O-Mar:

Save us, Merciful Tilde, and give us something to jauntily sportsblog about in September.

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How Can These Guys Lay Off Pitches That Close?

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Pillars Of Awesome Colliding

During the 5-5 rain delay, closère extraordinaire Todd “Frogger” Jones entertained the masses, as depicted by the AP’s Duane Burleson, with song and dance while donning artificial Tilde-xtension. This gave the real Tilde ample time to negotiate with the Gods to expedite the move of the clouds to Cleveland.

If, during the next rain delay, Tilde responds with a fake Jones-y mustache and a softshoe number, I think we can retire this weblog, for it can only go down from there.

EDIT – VIDEO AFTER THE JUMP

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Attire Perfect For Walking

He allowed two runs, two hits, and three walks in one inning of work in the 5-0 loss to Bahst’n this afternoon. And his era actually went down to 19.29 (the year of the stock market crash) to 20.25 (year when mechanical cicadas will enslave the United States). Wearing this t-shirt also makes the romantic game of “Guess Grilli’s ERA After Tomorrow” possible.

(Thanks, Detroit Tiger Weblog. Now Jerkwheat has something to wear to his arraignment for his inevitable ascent up the clock tower with a rifle.)

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Waiting for Magglio

– Nothing to be done.
– I’m beginning to come round to that opinion.

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Bohemian Rhapstilde

Magglio “The Big Tilde” Ordoñez will likely finish with a batting average of .350something, 20something home runs, and 130whoknows RBI. Those are some goddamn series MVP-caliber numbers. But after being swept in Cleveland — in which Detroit had a 2-run lead in all three games, mind you — they are now 7½ games behind the Indians for the AL Central division, and 5 games behind the New York Yankees. With nine games left in the season, the playoff picture is bleak, if not wholly nihilistic. For this reason alone, it appears The Big Tilde will not be worthy of the American League MVP.

Which is why The Big Tilde and his teammates broke out into song after their 4-2 loss the Indians:

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Ahh! NOT THE FACE!

All right, I know what you’re saying. The Big Tilde did nothing to facilitate the Tigers’ 16-0 ass hammering of the New York Yankees. That’s simply not true. His 1-for-4 day with two walks and a run scored is completely substandard, and he’s the only Tigers starter who didn’t knock in a run.

Well, that’s not true. Sean Casey didn’t have an RBI either. But he did have a triple, and when he ran the bases it sounded something like this. But you choose to ignore that simple fact.

What Ordoñez was doing, in his MVP ways, was allowing other athletes to rack up statistics, much to the delight of their respective fantasy owners. TBT is aware that they will need his mystical swing later on in the pennant run. He knew that. You guys didn’t.

That’s the power of Tildus Maximus.

Toñight’s Liñe: 1-4, 2 BB, 1 R
Ñumbers YTD: .355, 25 HR, 116 RBI, 99 runs

Photo courtesy of The Detroit News, even if they don’t know it yet.

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