Archive for the ‘magglio ordonez’ Category


Because He would have intervened.

(via FSD, messenger of broken dreams)


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Paul SchrieberThe man you see here to the right is Mr. Paul Schrieber. Family man. Lover. Sinner. Doer of things he should have done a long time ago. And a one-time transgressor of Notinaslump Ordoñez.

After calling out Tilde on strikes in the seventh inning, Mr. Schrieber forgot the cardinal rule: Touch Tilde Unlesseth Commanded To Touch. (For those interested, this is dogma derived from the Church Of Sexing Mutombo.) This touching, in turn, caused Jim Leyland to scream the tar out of his lungs, resulting in an ejection.

Well, before the Tilde Prophets could write letters excommunicating him from our upcoming picnic, Schrieber confessed his sins to the pertinent deity: “I should not have placed my hand on him. For doing so, I apologize to both Magglio Ordoñez and the Detroit Tigers.”

I have no idea how the game ended. In actuality the game ended the minute religious crimes were inflicted.

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So, things are generally going well right now, no?

When we last spoke, right before the Yankees series, things were looking up as well. Then a couple of unspeakable seventh innings occured and things looked meh once again. However, over the last ten games, the Tigers are 6-4 and are currently sitting in first place at 17-13.  For twenty-six innings against the Indians, the Tigers allowed only ONE solitary run to score. And only three altogether after Fernando’s rough ninth inning.  Also, Friday night, this happened:

Curtis Makes Me Need To Change My Pants - Chuck Crow/AP

Curtis Makes Me Need To Change My Pants - Chuck Crow/AP


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How ya feeling about these guys right about now?

Pretty good, right? The Tigers just went 5-4 on a 9 game road trip and played well enough to win at least a couple more of them as well. Best of all, the Fightin’ Tildes are now in possession of a one game lead in the AL Central. Thats the AL Central – FIRST TO 85 WINS IT!

As for the Big Tilde himself, well he’s had some issues at the plate thus far. Not so much with the hitting overall, although the average has taken quite a tumble over the past few days, but for the absolute lack of pop the in bat of TBT. It took until game number 17 for his first extra base hit to occur. Now, we know his slugging percentage took a healthy drop last year, but that had to be expected coming off of his insane 2007 season. Thankfully, as an exclamation point on Saturday’s win, Maggs finally got past first base with the single swing of his bat. We’ve got the first one out of the way, so we’ve got about 35 doubles and 20 more homers that need to start happening know.

YOUR BIG TILDE STAT LINE 2009 – .257/.350/.300 with 7 RBI and a solitary HR.

YOUR BIG INGY STAT LINE 2009 – .323/.432/.694 with 17 RBI and 7 HR.

That last bit was posted just because its really unreal how good of a start BInge is off too.

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tildewatchThe inevitable fire sale has been going on for quite some time, and the centerpiece of all that has been His Tildeness. He was supposed to be traded, like, eight times to seven different teams in the last year, if you believe everything you hear. And if you’re that gullible, when are you going to pay me back that ten bucks?

Anyways, if the Tigers are flat out of the race, you’re going to be haring a lot of teams wanting to claim ownership to our bloggable inspiration. Take it away, James Schmehl! Schmimazehl! Hassenpfeffer Incorporated!

Ordonez is guaranteed $18 million this year and has vesting options for 2010 and 2011. A strong selling point is that he has limited no-trade protection. But unless the Tigers are willing to work with teams to take on part of his contract, I don’t see much trade value.

First of all, MLive, if you’re on a Mac, it’s option+n and then another “n.” Use the tilde and use it well. Secondly, of course teams want him. Who wouldn’t love to trade for a God among men? Rarely can you find a divine force teams are willing to part with.

When all is said and done and baseball is extinct and replaced with a version featuring robots and large-breasted blonde women, there will still be Magglio Ordoñez on the Detroit Tigers, a team that no longer exists. By then his average will be slightly less than it is today, in his prime. I’m going with .326.

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Doin’ a little West Coast swing…

Sorry to disappear on you for a few days, but real life has been kinda busy. Anyway, while I was out, the Tigers up and decided to take 2 out of 3 in Seattle to improve to 7-5 and remain in a tie for first place in the AL Central. Dreamboat Rick got his very first win and a shaving cream pie to the face, Verlander looked awesome for 6/7ths of his appearance, and E-Jax (Made in Germany, So You Know He’s Good) was dominant yet again. Folks, the pitching staff is starting to look like it might just be alright. In fact, when you look at the next three matchups against the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim Stadium DisneyWorld Land of the Lost -San Luis Obispo, you have to like the odds. (more…)

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facility_battingcageUnlike Allen Q. “Chuckles” Iverson, Magglio Ordoñez is above such mortal feats of redundancy. But he humors the populous by partaking in it anyway. Jason Beck, the prophet to His Tildeness, is there with a stylus of pure ivory. (And a skosh of ink.)

“It’s very interesting, from an untrained eye, to look at him and go, ‘That’s the worst BP I’ve ever seen in my life,’ ‘” Brandon Inge said.


“But I’m telling you, it’s very calculated. He just gets his bat down on a plane, keeps his hands through, and he hits foul balls over there.”

If Tilde wants to hit foul balls, he will. If Tilde wants to strike out, to make fans feel bad about not paying convenience fees for their tickets, he will. (more…)

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