Been away for a few days, bloggin’ to my li’l heart’s content. I haven’t heard much about the Tigers since then. I’m sure everything’s going just fine. Let me just check in on…
ACK! The Tilde Distress Signal! That’s only invoked after a six-game losing streak! How could one of those happen only a few days into the…
oh. I see. That’s unsettling.
No worries, everyone; I will just check the pitching lineups for this afternoon’s game against the Red Sox and be instantly comforted.
urk. Kenny Rogers vs. Daisuke Matsuzaka. I had more confidence in the Dolly Parton pairing on American Idol. (Or the Dolly Parton pair. You know. Whichever.)
Alright, there’s only one way for this to work out. If you’re reading this before game time, you drop everything you’re doing at work or home and sing “The Gambler”. If you’re in a sensitive situation where you can barely crank up GameCast, then just hum it a little. However, if you are in a place where you can belt it out, rip a vocal chord.
Don’t fret if you don’t know the words; most of those Sox fans don’t remember the verses, either. Just do your best: “YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM; KNOW WHEN TO FOLD EM; KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY; KNOW WHEN TO RUN. YOU GOT TO BLAH BLAH MONEY WHEN YOU’RE SITTIN AT THE TABLE. blaahh hmm hmm… WHEN THE DEALIN’S DONE!”
Be sure to clap, too. There’s clapping in the song somewhere.
If you do that, the power of “Sweet Caroline” will be neutered (much like ol’ Neil himself) and the Tigers will win.
Now go! There isn’t much time!