In John Hodgman’s book The Areas Of My Expertise, he lays out a table of omens and portents that is used to predict the future. If you think it doesn’t apply to sports merely because he only has two sports references, you’re wrong.
Gary Sheffield’s two-run home run in the first inning of Wednesday night’s game was an omen. Texas Rangers pitcher Edinson Volquez used his table of omens and portents that he keeps underneath his hat, and combined it with the portent he saw earlier that say — an obese kid he saw eating corn on the cob. He did the math, and … Ragnarok.
But Volquez merely thought the kid was obese and eating corn. It was actually Andy Milonakis eating a jar of mustard. What he should have tabulated was “A ballplayer of Tildean descent will own your ass in the sixth inning.”
Sure enough, with one of the Three Tenors, Placido Polanco, and the aforementioned Field of Sheff on base, Tilde of The Mountains crushed a ball that soared over anyone wearing a Rangers uniform that night, landing in the bullpen and scoring three runs with just one handy dandy swing. The 5-1 win was theirs.
Those daggum Yankees won as well, keeping the AL Undomesticated Card race lead at 3½ games. The Indians, however, lost. The division lead slips to 5½ games. The Yankees play one more game Thursday against the Blue Jays, but the Tigers don’t play at all that night, so why on Earth would you ask such a stupid question?
Tilde’s Night: 1-for-3, HR, 3 RBI, R, BB, GIDP
Tilde’s YTD: .358, 27 HR, 132 RBI, Ragnarok
That photo was by Duane Burleson. Associated Press Rush Chairman. He’s damn glad to meet you.