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Archive for the ‘suss’ Category

First Place!

Unless, of course, they beat the Tigers in subsequent baseball games. (more…)

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• Gary Sheffield to hit his 500th home run for the Long Island Ducks
• Zach Miner will hit 90 on the radar gun, jump for joy, hurt ankle
• Jeremy Bonderman will be suspended 50 games after he tests positive for performance-enhancing Minoxidil
• Dontrelle Willis will go from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL when it is discovered he suffers from agoraphobia
• Adam Everett will fight Jim Rome when he calls him “Chris”
• A pitch will hit Gerald Laird in the head, denting his helmet. The helmet will then be worn by Placido Polanco, and it will be the most comfortable-fitting headwear he’s ever had
• Brandon Inge will learn that Rob Deer is his long lost father
• Curtis Granderson will launch his own social network
• Eddie Bonine probably won’t do anything
• The Big Tilde: .332, 34 HR, 102 RBI, will be named CEO of GM by May

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Fire.

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Being in the well-thawed tundra of Canada for the last week — and NOT because they’re out of the playoffs, no ma’am — has kept me from paying attention to most Tigers games. Yet here I sit, finding out that a three-game streak was snapped by Oakland last night, meaning they somehow won three games in there. Like, consecutively. In all fairness, it was their first 3-game skidless since July 24, when they won … four in a row!

So there, a baseball update. We now return you to your comfortably numb bouts of Lions, Wolverines, EMU Eagles, and mayoral special elections.

P.S. – Mr. Tildevere, last seven games: 13-for-26, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 1.077 slugging. Orgasmic.

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If it wasn’t painful before, we didn’t just get a horrific Kenny Rogers outing or a Nate Robertson outing in this 13-3 loss to the Cheesy Royales.

We got … BOTH.

K-Rodge: Six innings, six runs, eight hits, two walks, three dingers. Oddly enough, of all the bad pitches he threw, none of them were this one.

AND THEN!

Louis Skolnick: Six runs, six hits, two walks … four outs.

If they could have scientifically found a way for Fernando Rodney to blow a save as well, it would have been the entire second half magically compressed in one easy-to-swallow-but-gives-you-the-runs 9-inning baseball game. Then we could just end the 2008 season, trade Edgar Renteria for 10 Reuben sandwiches and work exclusively on Detroit Lions jokes. Er, uh, I mean … sure, Drew Henson can help the team!

The saving comic grace of the night, though, is brought to you by the Detroit Free Press. Spot the irony, win a Mal-O-Mar:

Save us, Merciful Tilde, and give us something to jauntily sportsblog about in September.

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There’s a reason Peter Gammons works for the largest sports media outlet in the country and Lynn Henning works for a still large metro newspaper but nevertheless the antagonist for this metaphor.

From Gammons’ Insider Only blog, which is not yet named Gammoblog because he’s not taking my suggestions:

• There are rumblings that the Tigers may have to lop $40 million off their payroll before the beginning of the season. But on Tuesday, manager Jim Leyland let it be known to upper management that he’d like his contract extended through 2010, and says “I’d like to manage another five years.”

Since the Tigers are already committed to more than $100 million for 2009, getting down to $100 million may be very difficult. Pudge Rodriguez is gone, Kenny Rogers, Edgar Renteria and Todd Jones may be as well. But if Jeremy Bonderman comes back and Justin Verlander returns to his 2007 form — as anticipated –and if they can add another starting pitcher, the feeling is that Detroit can contend again.

Getting rid of Rogers, Jones and Renteria? But who will fill the badly needed role of underperforming old guy? Oh … sorry, Gary Sheffield. Didn’t see you standing there.

But the important part here is that in an item about the Tigers cutting payroll, it directly omits Tild-A-Bear from the salaries that can be given up, thereby putting to bed Lynn Henning’s idea to move the bastard to a different team with a high payroll.

I think Curly ‘Fro Besser has another year left on that contract, so hopefully he can survive through ’09 and get a clause in his 2010 lifetime contract with the Tigers that he cannot be traded to any team as long as an Internet weblogpage is still posting regularly in his honor.

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The News‘ Lynn Henning has hinted before at the blasphemous notion of trading The Marquis de Tilde. The reasons against doing this are numerous, the most pressing of all being this blog might cease to be.

Henning’s still on it.

Now will come the corrections.

And what one wonders is whether the Tigers can sufficiently prune their paychecks in any way other than to trade Magglio Ordonez, a marketable player with a big but movable contract.

Who’s this Or-don-ez character? Some upstart young ragamuffin earning his squiggles the ol’ fashioned way? (more…)

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