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Archive for the ‘stop losing you losers’ Category

Paul SchrieberThe man you see here to the right is Mr. Paul Schrieber. Family man. Lover. Sinner. Doer of things he should have done a long time ago. And a one-time transgressor of Notinaslump Ordoñez.

After calling out Tilde on strikes in the seventh inning, Mr. Schrieber forgot the cardinal rule: Touch Tilde Unlesseth Commanded To Touch. (For those interested, this is dogma derived from the Church Of Sexing Mutombo.) This touching, in turn, caused Jim Leyland to scream the tar out of his lungs, resulting in an ejection.

Well, before the Tilde Prophets could write letters excommunicating him from our upcoming picnic, Schrieber confessed his sins to the pertinent deity: “I should not have placed my hand on him. For doing so, I apologize to both Magglio Ordoñez and the Detroit Tigers.”

I have no idea how the game ended. In actuality the game ended the minute religious crimes were inflicted.

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It took all of two games for us to introduce you to a concept that we were hoping to avoid. The Brandon Lyon OverWhelming Ninth, henceforth to be known as B.L.O.W.N. – it looks like this:

B.L.O.W.N. caught in the wild

B.L.O.W.N. caught in the wild

Thankfully, BInge was there to rescue the Tigers in the top of the ninth against B.J. Ryan. (more…)

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Last year, the Tigers infield was a little, um, shakey defensively. After undergoing about 15 different infield alignments in 2008, the Tigers managed to make a few moves that should, baseball gods willing, solidify the fielding situation. Especially on the left side of the field. So, join me if you will, as we run through the Friends of the Big Tilde who play along the basepath… (more…)

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If it wasn’t painful before, we didn’t just get a horrific Kenny Rogers outing or a Nate Robertson outing in this 13-3 loss to the Cheesy Royales.

We got … BOTH.

K-Rodge: Six innings, six runs, eight hits, two walks, three dingers. Oddly enough, of all the bad pitches he threw, none of them were this one.

AND THEN!

Louis Skolnick: Six runs, six hits, two walks … four outs.

If they could have scientifically found a way for Fernando Rodney to blow a save as well, it would have been the entire second half magically compressed in one easy-to-swallow-but-gives-you-the-runs 9-inning baseball game. Then we could just end the 2008 season, trade Edgar Renteria for 10 Reuben sandwiches and work exclusively on Detroit Lions jokes. Er, uh, I mean … sure, Drew Henson can help the team!

The saving comic grace of the night, though, is brought to you by the Detroit Free Press. Spot the irony, win a Mal-O-Mar:

Save us, Merciful Tilde, and give us something to jauntily sportsblog about in September.

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Earlier Tuesday night, Fernando Rodney was demoted from “closer” to “one of the closers.” The plan was to make Rodney, Joel Zumaya, and O’Doyle Kyle Farnsworth all closers. And a funny thing happened.

Farnsworth and Zumaya — the kids to help Walk Off Rodney — were the ones that blew saves. Rodney actually tossed three scoreless.

In a game where Bonk hit two home runs, the closers returned the favor by allowing the White Sox to have equal and/or greater value dinger force.

There once was a time when I liked baseball. I remember it like it was last Thursday. Which is funny, because it was actually last Wednesday. The game was simpler then. Detroit scores runs. Other team scores a few more runs. Then Detroit ultimately scores more runs, and the final score would be 32-31, with Todd Jones blowing 5 saves in the game, Miguel Cabrera going 9-for-21 with 3 home runs and 14 RBI, and Casey Fossum going a perfect 1/3 inning. (more…)

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There’s no reason to ever grow that again.

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So, the Tigers return home from a West Coast swing in which they went 3-6. This consisted of gonig 1-2 vs the Angels in a pretty good series, 2-1 vs the Mariners in a pretty good series, and 0-3 against Oakland with a pile of sadness in a failure bowl. This leaves the Tigers at a season low ELEVEN games under .500 and a season low NINE games out of first. FAIL.

I can’t even stand here and tell you that I see the light around the corner. That light is really freaking dim right now and can only be seen with a pair of night vision goggles. Sam Fisher can see the light. I can not. It’s simple math, really. Yet, once again, I’m going to provide you with something to believe in. What to look forward to awaits you after the jump… (more…)

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The much-discussed lineup shakeup by manager Jim Leyland was carefully unveiled today underneath a pristine satin sheet. [whoosh] So … that’s weird. His Tildeness was batting DH, with n00b Matt Joyce playing in right. Gary Sheffield, dropped down to sixth, was roving in left while Jacque Jones goes on a top secret assignment mission type scheme in Toledo. Ivan the Stout batted ninth for the first time in 16 years.

Edgar Renteria played shortstop and batted eighth, but only after the umpire quashed Leyland’s idea of having that position be fielded by Ramon Santiago standing on Ryan Raburn’s shoulders.

And it worked for all of three runs. The 6-3 loss puts the Tiger Uppercuts on a four-game losing streak. Tilde? He went 0-for-4 with a walk and a double play grounder. The big shot came from River Thames in a two-out bases loaded pinch-hit situation, because Joyce was due to bat, and this was no time for a kid in his debut to do what men do. (more…)

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