Been away for a few days, bloggin’ to my li’l heart’s content. I haven’t heard much about the Tigers since then. I’m sure everything’s going just fine. Let me just check in on…
ACK! The Tilde Distress Signal! That’s only invoked after a six-game losing streak! How could one of those happen only a few days into the…
oh. I see. That’s unsettling.
No worries, everyone; I will just check the pitching lineups for this afternoon’s game against the Red Sox and be instantly comforted.
urk. Kenny Rogers vs. Daisuke Matsuzaka. I had more confidence in the Dolly Parton pairing on American Idol. (Or the Dolly Parton pair. You know. Whichever.)
Alright, there’s only one way for this to work out. If you’re reading this before game time, you drop everything you’re doing at work or home and sing “The Gambler”. If you’re in a sensitive situation where you can barely crank up GameCast, then just hum it a little. However, if you are in a place where you can belt it out, rip a vocal chord.
Don’t fret if you don’t know the words; most of those Sox fans don’t remember the verses, either. Just do your best: “YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM; KNOW WHEN TO FOLD EM; KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY; KNOW WHEN TO RUN. YOU GOT TO BLAH BLAH MONEY WHEN YOU’RE SITTIN AT THE TABLE. blaahh hmm hmm… WHEN THE DEALIN’S DONE!”
Be sure to clap, too. There’s clapping in the song somewhere.
If you do that, the power of “Sweet Caroline” will be neutered (much like ol’ Neil himself) and the Tigers will win.
Now go! There isn’t much time!
I’m on it! I’m singing! And clapping!
YOU GOT TO COUNT ON SOMETHIN’ WHEN YOU’RE SITTIN ON YOUR TABLE
THERE’LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR COUNTIN’ WHEN THE TIGERS WIN
louder tuffy! let them hear you!
IF YOUR BEARD IS FUZZY WHEN YOU’RE SINGIN’ ON YOUR TOUR NOW
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TRIM IT WHEN THE TIGERS WIN
okay not so loud, you’re scaring people.
“cause every hands a winner and every hands a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.”
Wait, what??
That verse is for photographers that get near the pitchin’ gambler.
You two are simultaneously scaring me and making me laugh.
Are you sure that’s not The Gambler you’re talking about? I haven’t seen a guy get cold feet that often since Nathan Detroit.
/seewhatididthere.
hey tuffy, we’re liveblogging the game!
SA – sing along!
Don’t forget the toe-tappin’ and knee-slapin’. Those are musts!
No. No, we’re not. I just liveblogged for four hours last night and all Saturday night. I’m not doing any more liveblogging for a few days.
This is a Tuesday afternoon stroll through the heart of darkness in 55 balls or less.
Seriously, does he know he can throw a first pitch strike in Fenway on Ring Day? It’s not rude or anything.
Between the nervous rushing of pitches and stepping on and off the rubber, I’m starting to think Sam Beckett’s on the mound trying to figure out how to fake an injury and get back to Al in the dugout.
oh, the sun has become our nemesis!
At least the sun knows how to throw a strike.
the glove of Tilde just saved the bacon
I am okay with calling Rogers “The Baconator” because his ass is in the frying pan again today.
the Tidle has answered our distress call for now. The Bacon throws the ball in the most alarming fashion.
Also because the SOB is gonna give me a heart attack if I have enough of him.
and now the end of Polanco’s errorless streak!
/finds Japanese ritual sword…
jerkwheat, pass it here when you’re done. PAIN. FAILURE. DEMISE.
Alright, deep breaths. We still have the Big Tilde.
Alright, he’ll probably get to bat again.
Do they call games early for poor performance?
full disclosure, I turned the game off. I’m a chicken.
They do when you’re in third grade. Kenny Rogers’ children have children in third grade, don’t they?
I’m still listening…although I want to turn it off….
Stupid work internet connection not providing me a good video feed…
Stupid MLB.TV for even making it possible for me to listen to this….
Should have folded two innings ago, Jim.
Jesus H. Chrysler on a pogo stick.
I can’t look! I can’t listen!
I must say these comments are the most enjoyable thing about the team so far this season.
Enjoyable in that “laugh so the tears don’t fall” kind of way.
That’s right. Keep showing the ring ceremony clips. The Tilde knows and sees all.
I knew the 0-9 start in Ought Three, sirs and ladies – I saw that hideous season in person far too many times – This feels a lot like the 0-9, only worse because there are actual expectations.
Unfortunately, the pitchers are blind as deaf bats at a Motley Crüe concert.
So, you know, the bass player.
That is the 9023480239840329th walk of the game for Tigers’ pitchers. Jerry Remy’s scorecard just burst into flames.
The 95 Reds started out 1-8 and finished good… but that was in the NL.
I’m glad the pain amuses.
NEIL DIAMOND AND TOM WERNER?!? Good Lord, how indulgent. They mock the Tilde with their every whim.
Think I know what happened. Instead of “The Gambler,” I accidentally sang “It’s Raining Walks”
[...] At The Big Tilde, I chant for success. [...]