Magglio “The Big Tilde” Ordoñez will likely finish with a batting average of .350something, 20something home runs, and 130whoknows RBI. Those are some goddamn series MVP-caliber numbers. But after being swept in Cleveland — in which Detroit had a 2-run lead in all three games, mind you — they are now 7½ games behind the Indians for the AL Central division, and 5 games behind the New York Yankees. With nine games left in the season, the playoff picture is bleak, if not wholly nihilistic. For this reason alone, it appears The Big Tilde will not be worthy of the American League MVP.
Which is why The Big Tilde and his teammates broke out into song after their 4-2 loss the Indians:
Is this the real end?
Is this just all too fake?
Caught in a rundown
No escape from the Casey Blake
Open your eyes
Look to the scoreboard and see
I’m just a Tilde
I’ll get no MVP
Because I’m curly hair, curly fro
Leyland frowns, Leyland smokes
Anywhere the votes go, doesn’t really matter to me …
…To me.
Pitchers, just lost the game
Hung a fastball o’er the plate
Saw it fly to the next state
Pitcher, we had built a lead
But now you’ve gone and thrown it all away
Bullpen, oooh
Didn’t mean to blow the game
If I’m not hitting home runs every inning
Carry on, carry on, because MVPs don’t matter
Too late, September’s come
The Yankees flying high
Wild Card is in their sights
Goodbye, AL playoffs, I’ve got to go
Gotta undergo offseason surgery
Bullpen, ooh
I won’t win the prize
I sometimes wish I’d never bat fourth at all
♩♪♫♬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™
I see a little silhouetto of a man
Brandon Inge, Brandon Inge, will you hit the damn baseball
Bonderman is hurting, Granderson is striking out
Gary Sheffield (Gary Sheffield!)
Gary Sheffield (Gary Sheffield!)
Gary Sheffield was worse than
Craig Monroe… oh, oh oh
I’m just a Tilde nobody helps me
(He’s just a Tilde, marmoset family, sparing Detroit from this futility)
Easy come easy go, will you beat the Tribe?
Zach Miner? (No!) He will not beat the Tribe (Beat the Tribe!)
Verlander? (No!) He will not beat the Tribe (Beat the Tribe!)
Robertson? (No!) He will not beat the Tribe (Beat the Tribe!)
Will not beat the Tribe (Beat the Tribe!)
Will not beat the Tribe (Beat the Tribe!)
No, no, no, no, nononono
Dave Dombroswki, Dave Dombrowski, Dave Dombrowski find some arms
Joel Zumaya has desired to go play the Wii, the Wii, the Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
♩♪♫♬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™
♩♪♫♬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™
♩♪♫♬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™
So you think you can sweep us and say “it’s over”
So you think you can beat the Yankees in October
Oh, Cleveland, can’t do that to them, Cleveland
Just gonna get out, just gonna get swept in the first round
♩♪♫♬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™
♩♪♫♬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™â™©â™ªâ™«â™¬â™
MVPs don’t matter
To the Big Tilde
MVPs don’t matter … MVPs don’t matter, to me
♩♪♫♬
Anywhere the votes go….
My MVP’s gone,
My MVP’s gone,
My MVP bites the dust.
Hey! Settle for batting title,
MVP bites the dust.
He’s a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a Tiger defying the laws of gravity
He’s a hunk’o'burnin’ man passing by like Hercules
He’s gonna go go go there’s no stopping him
He’s burning through the sky yeah
Two hundred swerving degrees that’s why they call him Mr. Big Tilde
He’s swinging at the speed of light
We’re gonna make an MVP out of him!
(Come back next week for an ode to 2008.)
Masterful.
Dear Tildy One,
You’re my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
Oh you’re my best friend
Ooo you make me live… for Spring 2008!
Too cool! I’ve been singing this to myself all weekend…I’ve just got to know, what was the initial inspiration? I mean probably one of these lines sort of came to you and then the rest came from there right?
I don’t think it was a single line at all — the abstract came to me first, then the forced rhymes.
Amazing. I’m really impressed with how well it fits with the actual melody of the song. I don’t think more than one or two lines seem forced at all…and even those work. Impressive! My friend and I probably love the Brandon Inge line the most…but we’ve had the song in our heads for days.
He’s got a killer sweeeeeeeng
Gunpowder, hits with RISP
Dynamite with a laserbeam
Guarantee to blow your mind
Anytime
[...] me to wrap up my advocacy over at TheBigTilde.com. With my last ounce of fandom, I bellowed out a Bohemian Rhapsody parody in honor of Magglio Ordoñez, which in all honesty may have been my favorite work I’ve penned [...]
[...] Christ, Tilde, why are you still hitting two-run home runs? I WROTE A QUEEN PARODY FOR YOU ALREADY! That’s a legally binding pennant race concession speech. Think of the [...]