…left the Tigers to lose.
When I was in the first grade, I had a huge crush on Katie. She was a little blonde fair-skinned lass whose greatest quality was that she knew I existed. Unfortunately, she also had an especially keen mean streak, even for a six-year-old.
The best example of her cruel intentions could be found on the teeter-totter. We would try our level best to sit perfectly still and balance the teeter-totter longer than anyone else. All of us in the first grade tried it at one point or another, really. You’d let your legs dangle limply, doing your best not to twitch or breathe too heavily.
Katie wasn’t so good at this game, though. She’d lull you into a false sense of security with her porcelain smile and her twinkling blue eyes. Then, just when you were reaching a meditative state quite unheard of for first graders, her patience would give out and she’d either jam her feet into the ground like piledrivers or fling them up into the air. You’d lurch out of your dreamlike state just in time to smash to the ground or bounce out of the seat midair and then succumb to gravity’s charms with painful results.
The Tigers have subscribed to Katie’s game theory recently. Last night, Jeremy Bonderman and Zach Miner heeded the call and only gave up three runs throughout, only to watch the bats go limper than if they had been slammed into the ground by Katie’s mechanical whim. They lost 3-1 as home runs by Alex Cintron and Josh Fields were far more than the Tigers could muster on offense.
The Big Tilde managed a single hit to left in the bottom of the sixth, but it wasn’t enough. Wins by the Indians and Yankees put the Tigers back 7 games in the AL Central and 3 games in their wild card aspirations.
The Big Tilde’s day: 1-4
Season to date: .354/.426/.590, 26 HR, 120 RBI
On my way home today, I will punch a first grade girl, in memoriam of Katie.