And now for something completely painful…

Hey, coach; I found this lying behind this dirt mound. What’s it for?

We supporters of the Big Tilde know how important it is to MVP voters (and us) that the Tigers make the playoffs. Falling 3.5 games behind the Indians in the AL Central and losing a game to the Yankees in the wild card standings does not help his cause or the Tigers’. However, we here at TheBigTilde.com don’t care to point fingers (1 for 5) at any particular person (5 left on base) because it’s counter-productive to the team effort (nice idea, Jim).

However, the authors of TheBigTilde.com like to think pitchers could also go more than 4.2 innings with fewer than six runs allowed against the team with the second-fewest runs scored in the American League. We’re wacky like that.

Still, we’re above any petty bickering, so we will concentrate on the positives from a 6-3 dismissal of the Tigers by the Royals last night in Kansas City:

The Big Tilde’s day: 4-5, 4 1B
Season to date: .359/.431/.598, 25 HR, 116 RBI (.404/.461/.712 w/9 HR and 28 RBI in August)

(Photo by Ed Zurga of AP Photo)

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Ahh! NOT THE FACE!

All right, I know what you’re saying. The Big Tilde did nothing to facilitate the Tigers’ 16-0 ass hammering of the New York Yankees. That’s simply not true. His 1-for-4 day with two walks and a run scored is completely substandard, and he’s the only Tigers starter who didn’t knock in a run.

Well, that’s not true. Sean Casey didn’t have an RBI either. But he did have a triple, and when he ran the bases it sounded something like this. But you choose to ignore that simple fact.

What Ordoñez was doing, in his MVP ways, was allowing other athletes to rack up statistics, much to the delight of their respective fantasy owners. TBT is aware that they will need his mystical swing later on in the pennant run. He knew that. You guys didn’t.

That’s the power of Tildus Maximus.

Toñight’s Liñe: 1-4, 2 BB, 1 R
Ñumbers YTD: .355, 25 HR, 116 RBI, 99 runs

Photo courtesy of The Detroit News, even if they don’t know it yet.

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The Big Tilde giveth and he taketh away

The Big Tilde is a giving soul. On a day when Alex Rodriguez went 0-4 with two strikeouts, Ordóñez chose not to show him up by going 0-4 himself with one K. Still, his giving did not stop there; he let his teammates carry the day in a 5-4 win against the Yankees with three home runs (including Curtis Granderson’s inside-the-park gem in the first) and exceptional bullpen work from Seay, Zumaya, and Jones after Jurrjens’ shoulder tightened up in the second.

Ivan Rodriguez needed most of the day off to study for his phlebotomy exams, so he picked a fight with home plate umpire Sam Holbrook in the fourth and then got back to his locker quickly after his ejection to crack the books.

The Big Tilde didn’t take the day off, though, despite his batting performance; he made a deft run on a ball hit to deep right in the sixth that showed his experience in taking the right line to the ball and the overall health of that left knee. Unfortunately, MVP voters never watch the Yankees, so they’ll only care about…

The Big Tilde’s day: 0-4, K
Season to date: .355/.427/.600, 25 HR, 116 RBI

EDIT: grumble grumble 5-3 win for the Indians grumble grumble 2.5 games out of first grumble.

(Photo from Getty Images)

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Big Tilde Makes Waves With Shockwaves

Sophia Ordóñez didn’t know her father when she was born.

She was born in the summer of 2004 during a particularly difficult time for her father. He was struggling through a knee injury that just wouldn’t heal. Arthroscopic surgery didn’t do the job; therapy didn’t do the job; waiting and hoping wouldn’t do the job. Magglio was in his contract year and he had to heal up in time to prove he was worthy of his next paycheck.

Therefore, he left his very pregnant wife at the airport and flew to Vienna in hopes of a minor miracle. “It was not an easy decision,” Ordóñez told ESPN the Magazine in June. “I visited with more than 10 doctors in the United States and none of them could give me a concrete answer about my knee. So I had to make a decision quickly because I was going to be a free agent and I didn’t have a job.”

So what did The Big Tilde travel all the way to Vienna for? Shockwaves, of course. His knee suffered from osteonecrosis; the bone in his kneecap could not receive the life-giving blood needed to heal and prosper after being damaged in a collision with an ill-placed Willie Harris earlier that season. He could stand still and even hit a little, but he couldn’t run and couldn’t put the full torque needed into his patented opposite field power.

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Bonderman Continues To Insist On Pitching While Trailing, Tilde Keeps Trying To Foil Bondo’s Plans

I have a modest proposal for you Jim Leyland – start a reliever and bring Jeremy Bonderman in during the 2nd inning. Don’t give me any nonsense like “well Jerkwheat, wouldn’t that just make the 2nd inning the same as the 1st for Bondo?” It’s bullpucky. Bondo is simply confused by the number ONE and therefore must not be allowed to pitch the first as it causes him to give up a minimum of two runs every FREAKING time.

Once again, The Big Tilde came through with an RBI single in the 1st in his efforts to foil Bonderman’s dastardly plan to always be pitching without a lead, but his efforts for the night were simply not enough. A sixth inning collapse gave the Yankees a five run lead from which the Ye Olde English D could not recover. After last night’s 7-2 loss and with the Indians laying a spanking on the Royals, the Tigers fall right back to 2.5 games behind the AL Central Division lead and continue to dig their hole in the Wild Card race even deeper.

Maggs was 2-4 with 1 RBI.

YTD Los Tilde Grande is hitting .359/25/116 with a .430 OBP and a .605 SLG

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Detroit Up! All Night

Welcome back to Detroit UP! All Night, where we show the perks of being a night owl.

First pitch was after 11 pm local time due to a series of nasty thunderstorms that got everyone all wet. For the first five innings, the score bounced as much as me during high school track and field. 2-spots in the first, third, and fourth innings for Detroit were matched by six runs by the Yankees after five innings, including the three-run fifth that finally chased Andrew Miller, who was clearly up past his bedtime. Poor baby; come sit next to Mama.

On the other hand, old man Clemens didn’t last much longer. The Big Tilde wiggled his bat for a two-run homer to give the Tigers that first-inning lead. He apparently works best in the middle of the night; that’s why he had four hits in six at-bats and was on base in the 11th (!) inning when Carlos Guillen ended the game with the last call, a three-run homer to win it at 3:30 am ET.

Cleveland’s quiet 2-1 loss in Kansas City leave the Tigers only 1.5 games out of first place. Good luck, kitties.

The Big Tilde’s day: 4-6, HR, 2 RBI, 2 R,
Season to date: .357/.429/.605, 25 HR, 115 RBI

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Indians Defy Punctuation With 3-1 Win

If the bullpen’s problem is that Joel Zumaya was hurt, but then Zumaya gives up the winning runs in extra innings … then what?

Nate Robertson was again greeted by his long lost mistress, Annabelle Norunsupport with 8 2/3 innings of shutout baseball. Zumaya took the ball from there, and guided it with an insufficient amount of rock ‘n roll as the Indians poured out three runs in the tenth inning.

That’s when The Big Tilde knew things had to change. With two outs and the bases cleared, Ordoñez struck fear into the soul of Joe Borowski, who filled the count to 3-0 before TBT smashed a double and eventually scoring on Marcus Thames’ accentless double. But that was all the runs that would dance upon the scoreboard Thursday afternoon. The Indians are now 2½ games ahead in first place.

The Big Tilde Line: 2-for-4, 1 double, 1 stolen base, 1 intentional walk, 1 run

(Photo from Detroit Free Press)

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Tilde Force At Threat Level Orange, But Tigers Unable To Stop Tribe Offensive

The ball was flying around Comerica last night with 3 Tiger homers, and while this included a shot for our hero, it also included a few too many big hits for the Indians. Justin Verlander continued to struggle and put the Tigers in an early hole after allowing 4 runs in the 4th inning. Magglio did all he could, going 2 for 4 with a homer and a pair of RBI, but the Tribe did a little more and pulled out an 11-8 victory in Detroit. The evening’s loss puts the Indians lead back at 1.5 games in the Central Division race.

The Big Tilde’s YTD numbers now read as:

AVG .351 HR 24 RBI 112 OBP .425 SLG .595

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The Legend of the Big Tilde

Surely, most of you know who the Big Tilde is and how he got to this place. However, there are surely a few not familiar with his true story. Since we must get every vote possible for him, we now take the opportunity to tell his life story again. Pass this along to all who do not know his tale.

Magglio Ordóñez was born on January 28th, 1974, in Venezuela as a direct result of the mingling of loins between Diego Maradona and the fertility goddess Oshun. As fertility goddesses are not known for their child rearing skills and Maradona only uses his hands for scoring, their very young child was soon forgotten at a forest orgy by his well dusted parents.

A clan of marmosets recognized the primal power of young Magglio and took him in as one of their own. He ran with them, learning their ways. He learned teamwork; he learned nimbleness; he learned power. He also learned to pick nits.

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Tilde’s Homer Scalps Indians 2-1

Once again, the Detroit Tigers rode the squiggly wave of awesomeness, this time in a 2-1 victory over the visiting AL Central rival Cleveland Indians. Magglio Ordoñez’s solo home run in the 5th inning of Fausto Carmona broke the scoreless tie and gave rookie pitcher Jair Jurrjens jis jirst jin of jis jareer. The Big Tilde now has 23 home runs on the season.

Just how much are the Tigers being swooshed to success? That was TBT’s 41st RBI since the All-Star break. Next in line in this valuable stat is the plucky Brandon Inge (15). Inge has no documented accents above his surname. But the hard “g” sound is slightly badass. So we’ll allow it.

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